anger, alternate personalities and frustrating things.

Maybe I should post here when I'm happy sometime...

Yesterday started off bad, the first thing in the morning my mom and I had a huge blood test I had to get (I thought it wasn't necessary, she did) and I ended up getting it (after the lab tech spent about 5 minutes looking for a vein (under the fat on my forearm, and stuck me once by mistake...only to realize that my hand might be better)). After that ordeal I was already upset and my mom suggested we go out to eat. It frustrates me when she does this, because she knows I'm trying to eat on plan, and for the most part, that means eating the healthy food that we have at home. It frustrates me even more because eating out is like a drug to me, I love it, and she knows that. It frustrates me even even more because my mom isn't skinny, at 277 she needs this type of revolution in her life just as much as I do. It makes me sad to know that she isn't trying, and scared that I might loose her. So we go to the bagel place and I get a bagel with cream cheese, fine. about 500 calories of my 1200-1500 daily allowance. I'll have a salad for dinner I guess.
We get home and for some reason my mom's still angry with me. Our house is small, and it's just the two of us, when one of us is mad you can feel it everywhere in the house. Its like a poison, and it makes me feel so alone. For lunch I had some soy 'chicken' nuggets and a pear. Okay fine. 400 calories, not the best but its been a rough day. Off to my two back to back doctors appointments. At this point I'm stressed about when I'm going to work out, I normally try to at 3 so I'm not snacking in the middle of the day but my hour away dr's appts will prevent me. I talk to my therapist for an hour, and am a little saddend by that fact that she can't see any noticable weight difference in me from last week. This is followed by a regular dr's appointment where I weight in on her scale as 193, yes I tell myself its after I've eaten, and that at home I'm about 190.2 now...but still it depresses me. The hour drive home is sad, and I worry about the gas in my tank.
I get home tired from all the appointments and realize that I now, dont have ANY time to work out because it's late and my mother is clamoring for dinner. I loose it, eat a HUGE chunk of bread, about 6 spoonfuls of peanut butter and about 5 plates of matzo ball soup (each with one GIANT matzo ball). And you know what? I felt better, it was scary. But I felt calmed down, I could deal with the fact that my mom was being a huge bitch to me, and that I was mad at all my doctors, and that I wasn't loosing weight quickly enough. And then the guilt came.
I sat in bed for hours last night thinking. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I so sad? Why can only food fix it. I feel alone, I feel so alone and pathetic all the time and food feels like my only friend, the only thing that makes me feel better. And in that dark space, I thought about all the qualities I wished I possessed. Like real qualities, not the wishy washy feel better ones like "self respect" although that's there too. I wish I had physical attractiveness, I wish I had confidence, I wish I was bubbly and out going and fun to be around, I wish I was spontaneous, I wish I wasn't as mean or passive aggressive, I wish I had more friends. Or friends at all. All of this morphed into myself (but perfect) and her name is Natasha. She is pretty, and smart, and clever. She attracts people to her and she's proud. I wish I could be her. I don't know what's stopping me, is it this weight? Why isn't it coming off? So after last night I weighed in at 191.6 I'm sad.

Bella

Sorry...

About that last post guys! I was stressing out a little but alas it was a little warranted. I've gone a lot off plan recently dealing with some weird stuff at home. I started counting my calories again today and although I'm woefully over (thanks to some REALLY good homemade scones) its good to know I'm holding myself up to my old standards again. Falling off a wagon is a troubling thing. I know its not reason to stop trying though. And that means I'm learning right? It's a journey WITHOUT a set end date, something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life, because food for me, in a very real way, is an addiction. I hope all of you are doing well, and thanks to all this drama being resolved , I shall hopefully be posting more and eating better.

Trying,

Bella

BLURGH

Weight: 193

Mood: DEPRESSED, ANGRY, SAD, FRUSTRATED

FOOD: CUPCAKES AND OLIVES (SUGAR AND SALT)

REASON: PMSing LIKE NO ONES BUSINESS

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weekly Tally

I think I am pretty proud of me this week. I ended up loosing a little bit over 3 pounds in week one. Which I am surprised at, I'd only thought I'd loose one or two. I like being home and eating healthy, it makes me feel like I have something to do during the day, putting a healthy meal together is like putting together a puzzle, looking at labels, cutting up fruit, and in the end the dish looks pretty. I miss eating other food a lot though, and at night I feel a little hungry. I try to console myself with the idea that I'd like to be skinny, a lot more than I'd like some chips but its hard. Especially when I do treat myself to a high calorie food I do so in a verrrrry small amount. I miss the fullness of biting into a brownie thats all gooey and warm. I miss feeling like there is enough, too much, even for me there to eat. I am scared though, that because I feel this way that it's not going to last long, that I'm going to snap and eat something bad. But I'm not just eating lettuce with no dressing, I'm had broiled fish last night with butter and pasta with goat cheese. I don't think I'm depriving myself, but just not being able to go into the kitchen and justify eating 6 or 7 cookies is hard.

When I think back to why I wasn't loosing weight in school, its easy once I realize how much I was eating. I would eat healthy for about half the day, but then be surrounded by skinny itty bitty girls eating 4 or 5 times as much as me. How is that fair? I would get so frustrated and end up eating a full sandwich with 3 tablespoons of mayo, and then have cookies later that night on dorm, and finish it off with popsicles. Yikes.

I am happy at my progress, but struggling with these new healthful changes in my life.

Goals for this weak

• Work out at least 4 times
• Cut down on fats in diet, eat more protein and carbs
• Pack good snacks for work

No post, new post!

How are the 3 of you that are taking the time to be here and read this? Good? Good. : ) Things here, after sushi meltdown 2010 are going good. I've been eating a lot more on plan and feeling a lot better for it. And have come here to discuss every larger gals nightmare. And that would be......CLOTHES SHOPPING. Tad dah!

At least in the comfort of my own home I can sort of face my fat in my own way. A side long glance in a mirror here. A startled reflection in an oven door there. But man oh man are those dressing rooms brutal. All ready sooooo small that I feel like some sort of abnormally large sardine being stuffed in there. And then the lights. GAH! The lights, its as if they are scientifically crafted to highlight every stretch mark on my stomach. (PS WHEN DID I GET STRETCH MARKS ON MY STOMACH WTF???). Clothing stores have it all backwards, I don't care to see the quality of the clothes, I just want to know that they look good on me. I therefore suggest CANDLE LIGHT! CANDLE LIGHT for all! Beautiful soft candlelight to make me look, you know, skinny. Thanks. Is that too much to ask for?

And then the pants, yikes. Shimmying in and out and in and out. I just got a new job and I need jeans, and seeing as none of the others fit me....jean shoppppping. Size 16. I have been a size 10 my whole life and then BAM a 16 that is almost tight. Blurgh. Oh guys, all I can hope is that eating on plan will get me sommmmmmewhere. I want to try on size 6's. I want to love to go shopping. I will, I know I will, and you will too.

Good luck to all of you.

Love.

Good, Better, Best....Baaaaaaad

So I've been eating well lately. But today, something snapped and I ate wayyyy off my plan and into a 3000 + calorie binge. Yikes. I'm so mad at myself. I feel like a failure, like every other time I've tried to eat well only to f' it up. How far has this set me back? Will I ever get to my goals? I feel like a loser and a mess. But I can't let this stop me, I have to do better, tomorrow I will not give up. This is a life long journey, not a diet, the food didn't make me feel better when I ate it, in fact in made me feel so much worse, I need to remember that. Does this ever happen to you guys? How do you get back up and keep going the next day? It feels like I've messed EVERYTHING up. Why can't I do this?

salmon and salad. mmm and on plan.

turkey and cheese, guac, diet green tea, 1 serving of chips, and FRESH strawberries.

tuna, 1 slice of toasted bread, corn...

BAM. 3425 3425 3425 3425 3425. I don't want to look like this forever. HELP!

A Letter to My Fat

Dear Fat,

What are you doing attached to my hips? Arms? Stomach? And don't even get me started on those thighs. You've been around my whole life, and for what? To make me the chunky girl at pool parties? The girl with all the (probably gay) guy friends who love me for "who I am on the inside"? The girl with the ever changing wardrobe because nothing fits? The girl without skinny jeans??

I know I have made you. I know my years of couch sitting, rice eating, cheesecake scarfing idleness has made my body seem like a hospitable environment for you. But guess what? I'm eating salads now bitch, and light mayo, and yummy fresh fruit. Oh and that couch? Yeah we hang sometimes but I like to take my dog on long walks now, and dance. So about you sticking around...yeesh this is awkward...you can't.

I know this might sound rude to say, but I will not miss you. You have done nothing for me but make me a stereotype in my fat family, and have left me in shorts thats make me chafe in the summer and coats that wont close in the winter. So who am I kidding? Who is this Mrs.-nice-gal? I officially declare war on you, and you better run baby, because there ain't nothing I'd like more than to see you vanish right offa me.

XOXO

Bella

ps

191.3 today, so you know...SUCK IT.

Habits

So I've decided to weigh myself daily a la escapefromobesity. I know I know. This is a bad idea, weight fluctuates on a daily basis, weight that I might seemingly gain or loose may just be water, but whatever. We'll see, if I don't like it I'll stop doing it that way. Either way, I'm down, (either H20 wise or whatever) from yesterday's 195.5 to 193.4. Yesterday I think I ate well, a serving of cereal in the morning, salmon and salad for lunch, and scallops for dinner. I made both fresh squash and fresh asparagus with dinner, and both were very good. I also excersized yesterday doing an at home dance video. It was annoying in that some of the moves were hard to follow, but besides that, not that bad.

So since I don't (yet?) have a job, I'm trying to get into the habit of making myself busy at home. Last summer mostly consisted of me waking up around 5 lying in bed, and then sitting...almost catatonically on the bed waiting for food. I was dead inside, after a really bad break up. Literally dead. It took me a year, and I don't know that I'm totally over it but it took me a year to be able to start being myself again. So this summer I am feeling better (and knowing I'll never have to see that person again), and looking to spend my days more productively. I just baked off some zucchini bread, and only had one slice, but man is it good. I'm doing laundry, I might make some kale chips later, and I have boxes to unpack.

That started to make me think of other habits I've had, big and small, food related and not related. Like whenever I sit down, I scratch my legs, like hard. And now that I've started to grow out my nails (by stopping a different habit) it hurts little more. Or with food, I often forget to put things in bowls, or on plates. I'll eat standing up in the kitchen, or take a handful of something and....go back for a few more handfuls. I just watched an interesting TV show on food addiction. I don't know if thats me, but it seems like most anyone over weight must have some tiny addiction to food. When eating became a mindless habit that made me feel better, I knew something was seriously wrong. I hope during this journey I can begin to reassess my food habits and cultivate new ones that will keep me healthy and strong.

What are your habits? Do you have any good habits you can think of? Any new habits you want to instill?

Back in Business

Alas I am back after a momentary pause, you see I was graduating from high school and by golly I can't really tell you how glad I am that's ll over. I drove off that campus without so much as a good bye to most of my friends, because to tell you what, I won't be damned if that place hasn't been the cause for most if not all of my depressive episodes. Either way I am home and willing to write with gusto again.

So along with my return home I had new friend come, and extra pound, as I am now 195.5. Yikes. I could freak out, and eat...you know... everything, and the idea of being almost 200 lbs does...well yes...it does make me panic a little, it does make my skin crawl, and make me want to look into lipo procedures. But I'm calming down as I write this. It's humbling to think that my dreaded 195.5 is a goal weight for some, and that in some regards I am lucky. I am also using a new scale from the last time I measured, but I will be using this one from now on so NO excuses.

So when I came home there was some company from my mothers side of the family visiting. I love my family dearly. Very dearly, especially those who came to visit but we are all admittedly very different. I am quiet, and polite, and often very careful not to step on any body's toes, our visitors however can be the opposite, loud, rambunctious and often quite rude. But it's cute and I love them for it. I come from an admittedly fat family, and the two that were visiting this weekend have both had gastric bypass, but have put a significant of weight back on and both are claiming they are trying to loose weight, by going on Jenny Craig. I think this is a bad idea for several reasons, one plainly being that cooked food tastes good. Monumentally better than most of that frozen stuff anyways. Anyways, I say claim because you all should have SEEN how they ate when they were here. Before my awards night dinner, that's right BEFORE a dinner, they stopped at a taco bell. After wards at the reception they loaded their plates with cheese, and at dinner, it was all mashed potatoes and brownies. I on the other hand had salad and asparagus and a little bit of pasta. The next day, it was more of the same, tons of cookies, then at a restaurant several friend appetizers, full calorie sodas, and bread basket after bread basket. I had a half a piece of a huge salmon fillet and some asparagus and mashed potatoes. The next day was just as bad. My fault is the sweet tooth, I can go without fried zucchini but place a cheese cake in front of me and I'll INHALE it. Which I did with them (hello extra pound?). It reminded me how our family got this way, and how people put on weight without even realizing it. Over eating is scary, and I wish I could have, without hurting their feelings, shown them that, but it wasn't my place.

Anyways, yikes, that was a scary look into the possible future if I don't kick my ass into gear. So, goal time.

Week: (Tuesday to Tuesday)

1. Caloric intake for the week betwixt: 8,400-9,800
2. Visit the farmer's market in Dover
3. Make at least 1 vegetable with every dinner

Month: (June)

1. Loose 4 lbs
2. Exercise 12 days
3. Keep weekly records on Sparkpeople

What's your family like? And what are your new goals?