anger, alternate personalities and frustrating things.

Maybe I should post here when I'm happy sometime...

Yesterday started off bad, the first thing in the morning my mom and I had a huge blood test I had to get (I thought it wasn't necessary, she did) and I ended up getting it (after the lab tech spent about 5 minutes looking for a vein (under the fat on my forearm, and stuck me once by mistake...only to realize that my hand might be better)). After that ordeal I was already upset and my mom suggested we go out to eat. It frustrates me when she does this, because she knows I'm trying to eat on plan, and for the most part, that means eating the healthy food that we have at home. It frustrates me even more because eating out is like a drug to me, I love it, and she knows that. It frustrates me even even more because my mom isn't skinny, at 277 she needs this type of revolution in her life just as much as I do. It makes me sad to know that she isn't trying, and scared that I might loose her. So we go to the bagel place and I get a bagel with cream cheese, fine. about 500 calories of my 1200-1500 daily allowance. I'll have a salad for dinner I guess.
We get home and for some reason my mom's still angry with me. Our house is small, and it's just the two of us, when one of us is mad you can feel it everywhere in the house. Its like a poison, and it makes me feel so alone. For lunch I had some soy 'chicken' nuggets and a pear. Okay fine. 400 calories, not the best but its been a rough day. Off to my two back to back doctors appointments. At this point I'm stressed about when I'm going to work out, I normally try to at 3 so I'm not snacking in the middle of the day but my hour away dr's appts will prevent me. I talk to my therapist for an hour, and am a little saddend by that fact that she can't see any noticable weight difference in me from last week. This is followed by a regular dr's appointment where I weight in on her scale as 193, yes I tell myself its after I've eaten, and that at home I'm about 190.2 now...but still it depresses me. The hour drive home is sad, and I worry about the gas in my tank.
I get home tired from all the appointments and realize that I now, dont have ANY time to work out because it's late and my mother is clamoring for dinner. I loose it, eat a HUGE chunk of bread, about 6 spoonfuls of peanut butter and about 5 plates of matzo ball soup (each with one GIANT matzo ball). And you know what? I felt better, it was scary. But I felt calmed down, I could deal with the fact that my mom was being a huge bitch to me, and that I was mad at all my doctors, and that I wasn't loosing weight quickly enough. And then the guilt came.
I sat in bed for hours last night thinking. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I so sad? Why can only food fix it. I feel alone, I feel so alone and pathetic all the time and food feels like my only friend, the only thing that makes me feel better. And in that dark space, I thought about all the qualities I wished I possessed. Like real qualities, not the wishy washy feel better ones like "self respect" although that's there too. I wish I had physical attractiveness, I wish I had confidence, I wish I was bubbly and out going and fun to be around, I wish I was spontaneous, I wish I wasn't as mean or passive aggressive, I wish I had more friends. Or friends at all. All of this morphed into myself (but perfect) and her name is Natasha. She is pretty, and smart, and clever. She attracts people to her and she's proud. I wish I could be her. I don't know what's stopping me, is it this weight? Why isn't it coming off? So after last night I weighed in at 191.6 I'm sad.

Bella