Re-Invention

Hello all, and by all I mean myself and the maybe two other people who might've ever read this...Long time no see. I guess since this is a blog about weight loss it'd be a good time to start with my current weight which is 178.6 pounds. Yes an all time low in months, yes, I can currently suction myself into my size 12 cords that I haven't been able to wear since my 18th birthday. Yes, my size 16 jeans are FINALLY to big to wear, and yet I'm unhappy. No it's not that it should be more, it's not even that I still feel too fat (which I do) it's the way in which I lost the weight. My drop from 189 to around 185 wasn't eating techniques or a regimented exercise plan, it was illness. While I was in Florida I got a wicked bad headache and was diagnosed with pseudtumor-cerebri. Common in...wait for it....young OBESE women. Great. My fat strikes again. But the headache made me so ill I lost my appetite for about a week and didn't eat anything. Then the medicine they put me on was an appetite suppressant and then I started college. The combination of jumping up and down to do things with friends, and a script that made a half of a salad seem like a suitable meal made me go from 184 to about 179 and today that's were I hover. I stopped the medication thanks to some nasty side effects and so now I go from about 178-180 depending on when I weigh myself and what I ate for dinner the night before.

This bothers me. It sucks that the only way that I have seem to ever lost any real weight in unhealthily. Is by not eating. Dear Universe, THAT IS THE WRONG MESSAGE TO SEND A TEENAGE GIRL. Why can't it be that a week at the gym and eating suitable breakfasts can't lead to the same conclusion? Why can't reinvention in a positive sense never occur in my life? Is it that I'm too impatient? I am. I know that. But when I see things like this happen, my 13 year old self's logic kicks in and I say oh that week were I didn't eat food I lost weight? Great. I won't eat. And then I start trying to cut back on how many MEALS I have a day. And of course that can't work, so I end up maintaining a weight and pulling my hair out.

I used to want to be only thin, but now I'm realizing that this idea of reinvention is expanding to all points of my life. I don't want to be thin in this way, I don't want to be frail and restrictive, I want to be strong. I want my body to be strong. We did cow heart dissections in my lab class, and ours was covered in fat. I don't want my insides to look like that, I want my body to be optimal, to feel good in a real viable way. I want to have good and healthy relationships with people around me, I want to create good work. I want to take pride in all aspects of my life, and some places are clearly easier to start than others. I can write a paper well, I can call my mom and patch up a fight we've been having. Instant effort, instant results. But when it comes to my body, I pale at the idea of reinvention. How am I supposed to know how to do this? The entire idea feels like a jigsaw puzzle I can't figure out. Eat less exercise more. I know that. But...for some reason it doesn't compute!