Empty

July, such high hopes I had for you. Alas you are not yet over but I still weigh 189. I should be angry I assume. Indignant. Outraged, but all I can muster is apathy. I ate off plan, and that's what happens when you eat off plan...you don't loose weight. It's getting to be less hurtful now because I just don't go out...ever since I put on the weight from my anti depressants I find that people look at me differently. Or I think they do which seems just as bad. My jeans are all packed up and I don't think I've shaved in...weeks? I walk around in yoga pants and don't wear make up. What has happened to me? Freshman year it would take me like half an hour to get ready to do anything. I remember buying a dress for a special occasion from a good will store, a size 4, and it was a tight fit, but that thing looked good on me. I remember wanting to look good. When does that go away? As modest as most of as can be, 60 pounds ago I would look into a mirror, after spending sometime with my makeup and hair and think...yeah I do look good. I realized yesterday how much I don't even recognize myself. I feel embarassed and uncomfortable...just hanging around the house, just looking in a mirror. Just being myself. That's sad. I feel ashamed that I can't buckle down and really commit to losing this weight, its hard especially with my mom around, a chronic over eater who often comes home with boxes of cookies after we fight. I feel...alone in side. Like I'm not even the same person. I am afraid to start college soon, afraid that I won't be able to make friends because I'll be so ashamed of how I look that I won't leave my dorm room. We are heading on a vacation to Florida tomorrow to visit family, and I'm dreading going because of how much I have gained since I have seen them. I don't even want to see my own FAMILY. Can I do this? I see people doing this. I know it is possible for others. I don't post because after a while posting that EVERYTHING sucks just bums people out. I want this really bad. But if that we're true why wouldn't I be trying harder? I feel...defeated...but not even that bad. Just...empty.

JULY! and some other new things.

so I weighed in today at.....
189.6

:) That my friends is the first time I have weighed under 190 in about 2 months and I am soooooooooooooooo happy. It means that my weight loss goal for this month was also successful (I wanted to loose 4 pounds).

Having said that, now that I'm getting more into the swing of things in terms of eating right and working out (something I was never doing before) I think my goals for July should be a little more aggressive. Doesn't that sound scary? With small goals, I felt like there was no option but success. What if I mess up? Well...I guess I'll just keep trying.

Goals for July
Spend 1 quality afternoon with my mom (out to tea maybe) without fighting

Run 20 minutes straight without resting

Loose 8 (!!!!!!!!!!) lbs. That's two a week. I CAN do this.

love!
Isabella