Thursday, July 22, 2010

Empty

July, such high hopes I had for you. Alas you are not yet over but I still weigh 189. I should be angry I assume. Indignant. Outraged, but all I can muster is apathy. I ate off plan, and that's what happens when you eat off plan...you don't loose weight. It's getting to be less hurtful now because I just don't go out...ever since I put on the weight from my anti depressants I find that people look at me differently. Or I think they do which seems just as bad. My jeans are all packed up and I don't think I've shaved in...weeks? I walk around in yoga pants and don't wear make up. What has happened to me? Freshman year it would take me like half an hour to get ready to do anything. I remember buying a dress for a special occasion from a good will store, a size 4, and it was a tight fit, but that thing looked good on me. I remember wanting to look good. When does that go away? As modest as most of as can be, 60 pounds ago I would look into a mirror, after spending sometime with my makeup and hair and think...yeah I do look good. I realized yesterday how much I don't even recognize myself. I feel embarassed and uncomfortable...just hanging around the house, just looking in a mirror. Just being myself. That's sad. I feel ashamed that I can't buckle down and really commit to losing this weight, its hard especially with my mom around, a chronic over eater who often comes home with boxes of cookies after we fight. I feel...alone in side. Like I'm not even the same person. I am afraid to start college soon, afraid that I won't be able to make friends because I'll be so ashamed of how I look that I won't leave my dorm room. We are heading on a vacation to Florida tomorrow to visit family, and I'm dreading going because of how much I have gained since I have seen them. I don't even want to see my own FAMILY. Can I do this? I see people doing this. I know it is possible for others. I don't post because after a while posting that EVERYTHING sucks just bums people out. I want this really bad. But if that we're true why wouldn't I be trying harder? I feel...defeated...but not even that bad. Just...empty.

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