Where did 20 lbs of me go? (w:174.4)

Good Morning,

Well today I weighed in to find the scale at 174.4...which means I have officially passed the 20 lbs lost mark. I'm happy, excited, thrilled, upset, confused, wary, and angry. What? Yeah. Of course its good to know that I am twenty pounds lighter than I was when I started this blog, last spring this weight would have sounded like...a miracle number, hence the happy/excited/thrilled. I feel like I am doing something right! On the other hand I am nervous that maybe some of the recent numbers going down have been loss of water weight or...scale confusion...or magic. Who knows? I've been counting my calories, and have been good for the most part, but 20 lbs down seems too good to be true, and in case you haven't been keeping up with me...a lot of that could have come from a bout of illness/medication hence the upset/confused/wary. Where does the angry fit in? That's easy! Time! I could have reached this goal months ago, had I really committed to buckling down, and eating and working out the way I should have been! It's when I get thoughts like that that I have to remind myself to slow down, that time isn't "running out", that I have as long as I need to make this work for me. Ah sanity...it is nice when you kick in. The twenty pound lighter Bella doesn't seem that different to her family and friends it looks like...no one has really commented on the loss, but then again it has happened so gradually that I'm sure it's been hard to notice...but it's just the little things, seeing an old picture where I know I'm thinner now, pulling up and buttoning pants that sort of fit that I can finally breathe in from two years ago. I'm getting there...slowly it seems but steadily none the less.

On the Military front I have some surprising news, most branches (except for it seems, the Army) will not let you serve if you have a tattoo on your neck (which I do, a very small symbol on the nape of my neck). That'll be something to think about...I made an appointment to have it looked at, to see about removal...NOT to get it removed just yet (I'm not that serious about any of this yet), but if the Military is really something I'm considering (maybe Marines, maybe a Dr. with the Army or Air Force...) than it might be worth the pain/trouble/cost of getting it done. Just something to consider!

Kisses and well wishes,
Bella

Edit: Look for update pictures soon! (soonish, I have to get back to school, get the same outfit, and find room time sans room mate (yeesh, you have no idea) to take the pic!)

New Options (w: 175.4)

I have a weird confession to make, I've been thinking a lot recently about joining the Marines.
I know, wtf right? Maybe it's just a phase, but recently I've not been able to get the idea out of my head. It seems so noble, so powerful, so...important. If you had asked me a month ago, hell even a week ago if I EVER thought I would consider a military life, my answer would be HELL NO. But the more I simmer with the idea the more it seems like a viable option...I would feel proud of myself and I would be doing something in which I could take pride. This is screwing with my head a little bit, I don't know if I should seriously talk to anyone about it yet because I don't know if its something I'm looking at with rose colored glasses. Women make up a small percentage of the marines (around 6 or 7%). They have been known to be treated poorly...be harassed, mocked, and thought of as less then their male counter parts. I don't know if I could handle that...I'm sensitive. But is weakness a reason not to try?

My goal has then been revised...my new years resolutions are a little wacky...
the first is to get to a weight of 141, the highest acceptable amount for my height according to the chart that the Marines use. And then after that...look at training and get ready to maybe talk to a recruiter. This feels like a dream, I sort of can't even believe I'm suggesting this.

Happily though it adds a concreteness to my goals. Deadlines with real reasons. I want to lose the weight, so I will have the option...of (gosh) being a marine...

FELICE ANNO NUOVO! (w:176.8)

Happy New Years Everyone!

Well, now that that's out of the way! :) I hope everyone's New Year's is going well, I'm spending mine tonight with my mom cooking my brains out. Which leads me to two very important topics: my mom, and cooking.

It's hard to talk about one without talking about the other. I love to cook, I've never discussed it much here, but in my real life I am a kitchenophile and I must say (modestly) that I am damn good at making food. I don't mean green bean whatever with a can of soup tossed on top good. Because though that may taste good, there is a different between making good food, and cooking well. I would contend, that after cooking and screwing up, and learning for years I am beginning to come into my own. From such a young age, I would see my mom making her delicious Italian gravy rushing back and forth between hot pans, making the whole house smell rich and warm and I fell in love. I used to only be allowed to grate the cheese, now I can practically cook the whole ordeal myself. Cooking and my family go hand in hand, while my mom only likes to do her big gravy once a year, my dad is Puerto Rican and loves doing time consuming things like paella as much as he loves whipping up some chicken. Where my mom and I are about flavor and quality he is all about economy, and can get a terrible cut of meat, but season it and cook it until it tastes like heaven. Its not hard then to imagine why none of us are thin. Its less extreme in my dad's case but not by much. My mom weighs around 275, and it scares me. I want her to live for a long time, to see me grow up, and I want her to be healthy and happy. We had a heart to heart yesterday, and I basically told her that if she keeps living the way she is living, without changing anything she will die sooner. It's just fact. We cried, and she looked so sad but I told her, I promised her that we would commit to changing our lives together. I can't be selfish and do this alone, I need her to be healthy too for our family. She knows that, and she's started counting her calories too. It's nice to have a buddy to do this with. Lord knows i need her help as much as she needs mine!

So calorie count should be around 1,545 today (a little lot high...but okay it's a holiday...excuses! I know! But I'm just starting again! Can't get militant on a holiday!) . I've already factored in everything we should be having for dinner (rib roast, roasted potatoes, asparagus, etc.) but I'll let you know tomorrow if anything has changed I've eaten my own weight in butter. Stay tuned tomorrow for a description of dinner, and (cheesy I know, but I can't help myself) some resolutions for 2011! Happy 2011 Everyone and good luck in the New Year!

-Bella

Counting Ze Calories! (w:177.0)

So miraculously after last night I woke up to a weight of 177.0. Why is that miraculous? Well if you considered what I had to eat that day...suffice it to say my evening culminated in an unreasonable amount of crazy delicious slow roasted pork shoulder, with the fat (chicharron to all those in the know :) ) sandwiched on a piece pieces of potato bread. mmm.

So clearly I expected to wake up to 178 at least.

However I woke up to 177! Fluke of flukes! I decided today to start counting my calories again. It's a pain, and I've never been able to do it for long but I've heard others do it with a fair bit of success. I've forgotten how much I'm used to eating in a day...I had hoped to end the day somewhere around 1,200. Well, with the left over pork we made cuban sandwiches...and we went out to coffee (where I got a calorie dense chai tea latte) so I ended the day somewhere around 1509. Within a 1,200 to 1,550 range. I think that spread is a little high though, and I don't like the idea of being around 1,500 so I'll try to stay around 1,200. Hrmph.

Why is it that when I commit to start doing something like this again all of a sudden there is nothing I want more than a whole stuffed crust cheese pizza?! :)

-Bella

Going to bed hungry? (178.6)

Sorry for the melodramatic last post. I can get snotty if I'm in a bad mood. I've read some good blogs lately and am feeling better/have a renewed sense of faith in/about the blogging community.

So anyways,
A thing I've often heard about weight loss, is that if you go to bed hungry you're going to loose weight. Is that really the case? Since college/since the gaining of all this weight I have noticed that night times are times when I'm especially prone to eating. But it makes me feel gross, the food sits in my stomach like lead and I go to bed...unhappy with myself. I feel good when I can "beat it" (ie, when I go to bed instead of walking over to the campus Coffee Shop to get a bag of Salt and Vinegar chips).

The reason I'm posting this is last night I was SO hungry, I had to eat dinner early, because of a dentists appointment later that night. And then after I sat in the living room at 9:30 debating over what type of toppings to get on my LARGE Papa John's pizza. Yikes. Instead I had a piece of whole grain toast with some reduced sugar organic jelly, and a little cream cheese. It was a better choice, not the best, but better. However I woke up this morning to 178 (instead of my recent usual 177) and knew it must have been the toast before bed. It just...sits there. Yuck.

I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things this week, not full swing mind you, but maybe half swing. Not over night anyways, slower, something I can...tolerate and swallow right now.

Good luck to all!
Bella

What are we doing here?

Hey World,

It's been a while since my last post. I'm sure all of you were quivering in anticipation for the one that's coming now, the topic of which is: What are we doing here? By "here" of course I mean the internet, and by "we", I think right now I mean diet bloggers.

Don't get me wrong, I love a good blog, and some of the diet blogs I've read here (escapefromobesity and such) are among the most inspiring things I've ever read. But the rest of us (myself included)...what are we doing here? What does blogging add to our journeys? Surely, I'm not really helping anyone by blogging once every three months...surely my selfish inner rantings are not guiding the two maybe three of you who have ever read this towards any sort of insight into your own lives...so what exactly are we doing?

I think it has to boil down to something about us then. Something personal and possibly good happens when we air our dirty mental laundry out for everyone else to read. For example, right now I'm home, away from school. That's good because most if not all of my friends were getting on my nerves and I needed time away from them. It's also bad because it means I'm spending an almost excessive amount of time with my mother, which is dangerous for both her and me. Finally in terms weight loss, my progress is zero and I hover around 177.

I feel better having said that to you Internet. I do. I don't know why I do. Something optimistic in me is at work and when I put pen to paper (or rather fingers to keyboard) I feel maybe even just a little bit closer to getting it right, to maybe not f'ing up so much. But is that all just hope? I'm not sure. But if it is...is that really that bad?

I'm not really sure if I'm trying to lose weight right now. I want to be thin still. I want to be healthy still. Hopefully I will post again with some notable weight loss and a renewed sense of something, of some sense of what we are doing here.

Re-Invention

Hello all, and by all I mean myself and the maybe two other people who might've ever read this...Long time no see. I guess since this is a blog about weight loss it'd be a good time to start with my current weight which is 178.6 pounds. Yes an all time low in months, yes, I can currently suction myself into my size 12 cords that I haven't been able to wear since my 18th birthday. Yes, my size 16 jeans are FINALLY to big to wear, and yet I'm unhappy. No it's not that it should be more, it's not even that I still feel too fat (which I do) it's the way in which I lost the weight. My drop from 189 to around 185 wasn't eating techniques or a regimented exercise plan, it was illness. While I was in Florida I got a wicked bad headache and was diagnosed with pseudtumor-cerebri. Common in...wait for it....young OBESE women. Great. My fat strikes again. But the headache made me so ill I lost my appetite for about a week and didn't eat anything. Then the medicine they put me on was an appetite suppressant and then I started college. The combination of jumping up and down to do things with friends, and a script that made a half of a salad seem like a suitable meal made me go from 184 to about 179 and today that's were I hover. I stopped the medication thanks to some nasty side effects and so now I go from about 178-180 depending on when I weigh myself and what I ate for dinner the night before.

This bothers me. It sucks that the only way that I have seem to ever lost any real weight in unhealthily. Is by not eating. Dear Universe, THAT IS THE WRONG MESSAGE TO SEND A TEENAGE GIRL. Why can't it be that a week at the gym and eating suitable breakfasts can't lead to the same conclusion? Why can't reinvention in a positive sense never occur in my life? Is it that I'm too impatient? I am. I know that. But when I see things like this happen, my 13 year old self's logic kicks in and I say oh that week were I didn't eat food I lost weight? Great. I won't eat. And then I start trying to cut back on how many MEALS I have a day. And of course that can't work, so I end up maintaining a weight and pulling my hair out.

I used to want to be only thin, but now I'm realizing that this idea of reinvention is expanding to all points of my life. I don't want to be thin in this way, I don't want to be frail and restrictive, I want to be strong. I want my body to be strong. We did cow heart dissections in my lab class, and ours was covered in fat. I don't want my insides to look like that, I want my body to be optimal, to feel good in a real viable way. I want to have good and healthy relationships with people around me, I want to create good work. I want to take pride in all aspects of my life, and some places are clearly easier to start than others. I can write a paper well, I can call my mom and patch up a fight we've been having. Instant effort, instant results. But when it comes to my body, I pale at the idea of reinvention. How am I supposed to know how to do this? The entire idea feels like a jigsaw puzzle I can't figure out. Eat less exercise more. I know that. But...for some reason it doesn't compute!