Endings

It is officially one week until graduation. We had the alumni dinner tonight when a bunch of alumni comes back and we eat and talk to them and Mr. Roach gives a talk and then the guys get neckties and the girls necklaces. Something about endings make me sad, even if the thing ending is something I never really liked in the first place. I got really sad when I left after my year abroad in Italy, even though I was leaving a host family I never really connected with and a HORRIBLE ex boyfriend who was at best, verbally abusive. I just don’t like the feeling that I’ve missed so much. Leaving boarding school makes that especially difficult. Our headmaster likes to talk about what a transformative place this is. How we have all contributed to it, I feel sad though, because I feel like he isn’t talking to me. What have I contributed to this place? What have I done that people will miss. It is easy to blame on my weight. I feel as though if I were thinner, I could’ve tried to be good at sports, I wouldn’t have been so self conscious I could have been happier, made more friends, been less sarcastic. Do you ever feel like this happens to you? Like every SINGLE problem in your life, every SINGLE reason why you’re unhappy can be traced back to your weight problem? A relationship with a boyfriend gone bad? He didn’t like you because you were too fat. Friendships feeling weak? Its hard to stay in touch with people when you’re holed up in your room because you feel horrendous in ALL your clothes. It even gets more absurd….bad test grade? Couldn’t muster the will to study because I was feeling so depressed about the bad breakup/bad friendships/the fact that none of my dresses fit me anymore.

I wonder how much of our problems we blame on weight. The fact of the matter is I see people larger than me with a lot of healthy friendships, with a lot of healthy romantic relationships, without being bitter or cold or hurtful and still getting good grades on their Greek tests. What am I without this weight? What if my face isn’t pretty? If my hair isn’t pretty? What will be my excuse for not making friends then. My weight, my body is a prison but it’s one I’ve made, and it keeps me from having to do the really scary things like put myself out there. Its easier to assume someone just doesn’t like you for your weight, then you get to call them shallow. What happens if they just don’t like you? I want an end to this weight. I want an end to being medically obese and physically uncomfortable. But what will that end look like? Will it be as hard as all my other life endings? Pictures soon maybe. And less about my life suckage and more about food. I don’t want my weight to be an excuse anymore.