Its easy to procrastinate. I guess anyone overweight must be good at procrastinating in some respect. I’ll start dieting tomorrow, I’ll get on that treadmill on Monday, I just have too much to do today and this weekend. I am a master procrastinator. I can save a paper that was meant to be done over a 4 month stretch of time and condense it into one sleep deprived evening. Same with my laundry that I don’t do for weeks. Or that painting (the one sitting in the arts center that I still have to finish). The thing I have to do gnaws at me until I just can’t take it anymore and then I do it all in one sitting. The quality ranges from good (my senior English paper) to okay (my latin midterm) to just plain bad (my laundry). But there are somethings you cant really put off and then expect to do all in one evening. Like loose weight. Like eighty pounds of it. I put it off all the time. I’m doing it right now honestly, as I sit in my common room and wait for my (3rd) batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies to come out of the oven. Tomorrow, I’ll eat fruit and you know berries, and all that stuff that sustaisn birds but today my feelings were hurt. Today I found out my ex is walking with one of my best friends into our graduation ceremony. Some friend right? Why? Why would this person do this to me knowing how much my ex has hurt me? Why its enough to make a girl bake 10 cakes. There’s some thing comforting about finding the ingredients, carefully measuring them and then filling the dorm with a smell everyone loves. It makes people happy, I make people happy. Or at least my cookies do. But what of my body? What of myself? Well surely my body will still be there tomorrow and I can start then. Surely you can’t expect me to start now.
But what will it be tomorrow? What snarky side comment, or depression riddled realization will lead me to four packs of ramen? To two sandwiches at dinner? I just took the cookies out of the oven. Am I supposed to not eat any? I feel sadder thinking of that, sadder thinking of my bad day, AND the fact that I can’t even eat what I want. Like my life is one big puddle of injustice. Can this stop? I mean days with little bad moments are inevitable…but I guess the food binges aren’t. What is it instead that I have to turn to? I feel so alone. And let me tell you meditating for 30 minutes does NOT compare to one of MY chocolate chip cookies. All that gooey wonderfulness making me feel warm and loved.
I guess the mature thing to do would be to say, FOOD WONT BE THE ANSWER TO MY EMOTIONAL DISTRESS. I will find other ways to cope. But haven’t I tried? I guess it’s worth another shot.
Maybe this would be a good time for me to outline some goals. Goals are tricky I think at first they should be small, small enough to be accomplished soon, and non numerical. I don’t want a scale to rule my life.
BIG
-Be nicer
-Loose 80 lbs
-Go outside more
-Get a better relationship with my mother and father
This Month/ This week (since there’s only 1 week of May left)
-Eat a healthy breakfast every day this week.
-Take the stairs to the main building once a day
-Have one serving of lunch
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