Better Days?

Is today a better day? It is Mowie Wowie here. God that sounds so banal. Mowie Wowie, how am I supposed to get excited? How am I supposed to feel anything but alone in this place….in this (boarding) school I hate so much, in this body I hate so much. I feel nothing but disgust for my life. This can’t read well. Some emo fat chick, but still. I cut my arms yesterday, three times on my left forearm. Sort of noticeably I guess which was dumb. But I just kept fighting with my mom. I feel so alone sometimes. So far from anyone who understands me and I’m so anxious. I wish this up coming week were over and we could just be graduates. I do not feel nostalgic, I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to see her family, and god forbid him. It makes me want to tear up just thinking about it. I feel like I’m going crazy, and I just want to punch something and that’s when the cutting makes me feel better. All that anger I have inside comes out just a little bit and I feel relaxed. I don’t get what the problem is, its not major blood loss, its not affecting my life, it just creeps people out. If my mom found out she would KILL me. My back is KILLING me, and it sucks because I know that it is from my excess weight. Today I weighed myself. 194. MY MOTHER IS ACTUALLY A CRAZY BITCH. I try to call her, I try to ask her a question and she just screams hysterically about finding a 7-11. I hung up on her. WHY can’t I have a normal family? WHY cant I have a normal mom who just is nice and friendly and doesn’t make everything shitty? I just want to hit something right now, I just want to scream or hurt some body. I am so mad. I AM SO MAD, at what I am at what my life is like. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate EVERYTHING. When will I HAVE A SUCCESFUL WEIGHT LOSS BLOG? When will people look to ME for inspiration? I feel so petulant. So powerless and ineffective. I feel disgusting. Help?