Re-Invention

Hello all, and by all I mean myself and the maybe two other people who might've ever read this...Long time no see. I guess since this is a blog about weight loss it'd be a good time to start with my current weight which is 178.6 pounds. Yes an all time low in months, yes, I can currently suction myself into my size 12 cords that I haven't been able to wear since my 18th birthday. Yes, my size 16 jeans are FINALLY to big to wear, and yet I'm unhappy. No it's not that it should be more, it's not even that I still feel too fat (which I do) it's the way in which I lost the weight. My drop from 189 to around 185 wasn't eating techniques or a regimented exercise plan, it was illness. While I was in Florida I got a wicked bad headache and was diagnosed with pseudtumor-cerebri. Common in...wait for it....young OBESE women. Great. My fat strikes again. But the headache made me so ill I lost my appetite for about a week and didn't eat anything. Then the medicine they put me on was an appetite suppressant and then I started college. The combination of jumping up and down to do things with friends, and a script that made a half of a salad seem like a suitable meal made me go from 184 to about 179 and today that's were I hover. I stopped the medication thanks to some nasty side effects and so now I go from about 178-180 depending on when I weigh myself and what I ate for dinner the night before.

This bothers me. It sucks that the only way that I have seem to ever lost any real weight in unhealthily. Is by not eating. Dear Universe, THAT IS THE WRONG MESSAGE TO SEND A TEENAGE GIRL. Why can't it be that a week at the gym and eating suitable breakfasts can't lead to the same conclusion? Why can't reinvention in a positive sense never occur in my life? Is it that I'm too impatient? I am. I know that. But when I see things like this happen, my 13 year old self's logic kicks in and I say oh that week were I didn't eat food I lost weight? Great. I won't eat. And then I start trying to cut back on how many MEALS I have a day. And of course that can't work, so I end up maintaining a weight and pulling my hair out.

I used to want to be only thin, but now I'm realizing that this idea of reinvention is expanding to all points of my life. I don't want to be thin in this way, I don't want to be frail and restrictive, I want to be strong. I want my body to be strong. We did cow heart dissections in my lab class, and ours was covered in fat. I don't want my insides to look like that, I want my body to be optimal, to feel good in a real viable way. I want to have good and healthy relationships with people around me, I want to create good work. I want to take pride in all aspects of my life, and some places are clearly easier to start than others. I can write a paper well, I can call my mom and patch up a fight we've been having. Instant effort, instant results. But when it comes to my body, I pale at the idea of reinvention. How am I supposed to know how to do this? The entire idea feels like a jigsaw puzzle I can't figure out. Eat less exercise more. I know that. But...for some reason it doesn't compute!

Empty

July, such high hopes I had for you. Alas you are not yet over but I still weigh 189. I should be angry I assume. Indignant. Outraged, but all I can muster is apathy. I ate off plan, and that's what happens when you eat off plan...you don't loose weight. It's getting to be less hurtful now because I just don't go out...ever since I put on the weight from my anti depressants I find that people look at me differently. Or I think they do which seems just as bad. My jeans are all packed up and I don't think I've shaved in...weeks? I walk around in yoga pants and don't wear make up. What has happened to me? Freshman year it would take me like half an hour to get ready to do anything. I remember buying a dress for a special occasion from a good will store, a size 4, and it was a tight fit, but that thing looked good on me. I remember wanting to look good. When does that go away? As modest as most of as can be, 60 pounds ago I would look into a mirror, after spending sometime with my makeup and hair and think...yeah I do look good. I realized yesterday how much I don't even recognize myself. I feel embarassed and uncomfortable...just hanging around the house, just looking in a mirror. Just being myself. That's sad. I feel ashamed that I can't buckle down and really commit to losing this weight, its hard especially with my mom around, a chronic over eater who often comes home with boxes of cookies after we fight. I feel...alone in side. Like I'm not even the same person. I am afraid to start college soon, afraid that I won't be able to make friends because I'll be so ashamed of how I look that I won't leave my dorm room. We are heading on a vacation to Florida tomorrow to visit family, and I'm dreading going because of how much I have gained since I have seen them. I don't even want to see my own FAMILY. Can I do this? I see people doing this. I know it is possible for others. I don't post because after a while posting that EVERYTHING sucks just bums people out. I want this really bad. But if that we're true why wouldn't I be trying harder? I feel...defeated...but not even that bad. Just...empty.

JULY! and some other new things.

so I weighed in today at.....
189.6

:) That my friends is the first time I have weighed under 190 in about 2 months and I am soooooooooooooooo happy. It means that my weight loss goal for this month was also successful (I wanted to loose 4 pounds).

Having said that, now that I'm getting more into the swing of things in terms of eating right and working out (something I was never doing before) I think my goals for July should be a little more aggressive. Doesn't that sound scary? With small goals, I felt like there was no option but success. What if I mess up? Well...I guess I'll just keep trying.

Goals for July
Spend 1 quality afternoon with my mom (out to tea maybe) without fighting

Run 20 minutes straight without resting

Loose 8 (!!!!!!!!!!) lbs. That's two a week. I CAN do this.

love!
Isabella

anger, alternate personalities and frustrating things.

Maybe I should post here when I'm happy sometime...

Yesterday started off bad, the first thing in the morning my mom and I had a huge blood test I had to get (I thought it wasn't necessary, she did) and I ended up getting it (after the lab tech spent about 5 minutes looking for a vein (under the fat on my forearm, and stuck me once by mistake...only to realize that my hand might be better)). After that ordeal I was already upset and my mom suggested we go out to eat. It frustrates me when she does this, because she knows I'm trying to eat on plan, and for the most part, that means eating the healthy food that we have at home. It frustrates me even more because eating out is like a drug to me, I love it, and she knows that. It frustrates me even even more because my mom isn't skinny, at 277 she needs this type of revolution in her life just as much as I do. It makes me sad to know that she isn't trying, and scared that I might loose her. So we go to the bagel place and I get a bagel with cream cheese, fine. about 500 calories of my 1200-1500 daily allowance. I'll have a salad for dinner I guess.
We get home and for some reason my mom's still angry with me. Our house is small, and it's just the two of us, when one of us is mad you can feel it everywhere in the house. Its like a poison, and it makes me feel so alone. For lunch I had some soy 'chicken' nuggets and a pear. Okay fine. 400 calories, not the best but its been a rough day. Off to my two back to back doctors appointments. At this point I'm stressed about when I'm going to work out, I normally try to at 3 so I'm not snacking in the middle of the day but my hour away dr's appts will prevent me. I talk to my therapist for an hour, and am a little saddend by that fact that she can't see any noticable weight difference in me from last week. This is followed by a regular dr's appointment where I weight in on her scale as 193, yes I tell myself its after I've eaten, and that at home I'm about 190.2 now...but still it depresses me. The hour drive home is sad, and I worry about the gas in my tank.
I get home tired from all the appointments and realize that I now, dont have ANY time to work out because it's late and my mother is clamoring for dinner. I loose it, eat a HUGE chunk of bread, about 6 spoonfuls of peanut butter and about 5 plates of matzo ball soup (each with one GIANT matzo ball). And you know what? I felt better, it was scary. But I felt calmed down, I could deal with the fact that my mom was being a huge bitch to me, and that I was mad at all my doctors, and that I wasn't loosing weight quickly enough. And then the guilt came.
I sat in bed for hours last night thinking. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I so sad? Why can only food fix it. I feel alone, I feel so alone and pathetic all the time and food feels like my only friend, the only thing that makes me feel better. And in that dark space, I thought about all the qualities I wished I possessed. Like real qualities, not the wishy washy feel better ones like "self respect" although that's there too. I wish I had physical attractiveness, I wish I had confidence, I wish I was bubbly and out going and fun to be around, I wish I was spontaneous, I wish I wasn't as mean or passive aggressive, I wish I had more friends. Or friends at all. All of this morphed into myself (but perfect) and her name is Natasha. She is pretty, and smart, and clever. She attracts people to her and she's proud. I wish I could be her. I don't know what's stopping me, is it this weight? Why isn't it coming off? So after last night I weighed in at 191.6 I'm sad.

Bella

Sorry...

About that last post guys! I was stressing out a little but alas it was a little warranted. I've gone a lot off plan recently dealing with some weird stuff at home. I started counting my calories again today and although I'm woefully over (thanks to some REALLY good homemade scones) its good to know I'm holding myself up to my old standards again. Falling off a wagon is a troubling thing. I know its not reason to stop trying though. And that means I'm learning right? It's a journey WITHOUT a set end date, something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life, because food for me, in a very real way, is an addiction. I hope all of you are doing well, and thanks to all this drama being resolved , I shall hopefully be posting more and eating better.

Trying,

Bella

BLURGH

Weight: 193

Mood: DEPRESSED, ANGRY, SAD, FRUSTRATED

FOOD: CUPCAKES AND OLIVES (SUGAR AND SALT)

REASON: PMSing LIKE NO ONES BUSINESS

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weekly Tally

I think I am pretty proud of me this week. I ended up loosing a little bit over 3 pounds in week one. Which I am surprised at, I'd only thought I'd loose one or two. I like being home and eating healthy, it makes me feel like I have something to do during the day, putting a healthy meal together is like putting together a puzzle, looking at labels, cutting up fruit, and in the end the dish looks pretty. I miss eating other food a lot though, and at night I feel a little hungry. I try to console myself with the idea that I'd like to be skinny, a lot more than I'd like some chips but its hard. Especially when I do treat myself to a high calorie food I do so in a verrrrry small amount. I miss the fullness of biting into a brownie thats all gooey and warm. I miss feeling like there is enough, too much, even for me there to eat. I am scared though, that because I feel this way that it's not going to last long, that I'm going to snap and eat something bad. But I'm not just eating lettuce with no dressing, I'm had broiled fish last night with butter and pasta with goat cheese. I don't think I'm depriving myself, but just not being able to go into the kitchen and justify eating 6 or 7 cookies is hard.

When I think back to why I wasn't loosing weight in school, its easy once I realize how much I was eating. I would eat healthy for about half the day, but then be surrounded by skinny itty bitty girls eating 4 or 5 times as much as me. How is that fair? I would get so frustrated and end up eating a full sandwich with 3 tablespoons of mayo, and then have cookies later that night on dorm, and finish it off with popsicles. Yikes.

I am happy at my progress, but struggling with these new healthful changes in my life.

Goals for this weak

• Work out at least 4 times
• Cut down on fats in diet, eat more protein and carbs
• Pack good snacks for work