Philly Cheesesteaks + Running (w: 176.4)

So I could have posted this yesterday but I didn't.

And the reason is one of which I feel ashamed. You see how I type my weight in, right along with the title of each blog post? I thought it would be a good thing to do so some of you wouldn't have to muddle through 3 paragraphs of silliness to see my progress, but alas yesterday there was a snafu, a weight that I would not show you...could not show you: 178.4. I didn't want you to see that this week, food has been a struggle for me, that the night before I took that weight I ate my fourth meal of the day (a philly cheese steak) around 11:30 at night blowing out of the water my calorie goal. I didn't want you to see. me. fail. Weighing myself this morning after a revised day of eating yesterday made me realize that some of it was just...residual cheesesteak terribleness but importantly not all of it. I still have a net gain from last week and honey, that aint good. But the point of all this...all this blogging, and blog reading, and blog blog bloginess is (for me) honesty. To not skip over the bad stuff but to hold it up to you and say: look, look at this, I messed up, but I want to do better, I will do better.

Which leads me to the other thing I have been doing this week: running. A friend and I have been trying to complete a running program that is a walk to run for thirty minutes in 6 weeks type deal. I completed most of it before Christmas, and now we are on week 4. Man is it rough. I think that's why I may have been eating more, I feel like I need to compensate for working out "so much" (i.e. more than not at all). My friend with whom I run is skinny as a rail so she eats a lot to make up for the calorie burns it took an OH DUH moment for me to figure out I shouldn't be doing the same. Ha. I know. Smooth right?

I think I'll end this post with something we used to do on dorm in highschool, to get the younger girls to bond: high, low, laugh of the week. I'll show you mine, and you show me yours :)

High: Finishing my latest run and NOT feeling like I was about to pass out.
Low: Sitting in bed after that cheesesteak, feeling like a failure.
Laugh: Dancing to Usher's OMG in the gym with my best friend, only to find that we weren't (as we had thought) the only people in the weight room that morning!

Oh and as an aside, I think I might attempt a meat free week this week! (I was vegetarian for a while before, I want to see if it has any significant effect on my weight loss goals) Good luck cats and kittens!

Bella

7 Thangs on my Birthday (w:175.0)

Not much on the weight loss front as my birthday week (yes, week, don't you have one too?) is keeping me off my mark...but take a look at this other fun stuff (life sometimes needs "other fun stuff")

The sweet, wonderful, and gracious Elle at http://fatfriesplease.blogspot.com gave me this (curiously undeserved :) ) award. Seemingly the rules of receiving it are as follows:

• Make a post about it and link back to the gracious giver
• Share 7 things about yourself
• Pass it on to 15 bloggers you've recently discovered

So I will happily combine today's post into my "7" things about myself

1. Today is my birthday, and it was marvelous. Truly truly marvelous, I felt nothing but love and sweetness from friends and family all day and it was one of the happiest birthdays I've had. For the first time in a LONG time I feel loved.
2. I count calories. It's my meal plan. I don't talk about it too much here, as I use this place for more emotional venting than anything else. It's hard for me, but its the only way I can feel not deprived but still control myself, I'm not always perfect but I'm only learning and I'm okay with that.
3. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm only doing this to get a boyfriend. I don't think it is deep down, but when I get really frustrated or really disgusted with the way I look I feel like I need someone...and for most of my life that someone has always been a significant other in a serious relationship.
4. I am super possessive. Of people, things, food...thanks only child syndrome.
5. I still (even though I know I can't, even though I know it's really keeping me back in a dangerous way, and even though I know I'll be able to get ahead quicker stop) treat/think of food as a reward.
6. I write poetry that has been published.
7. I got straight A's my first semester of college, but didn't tell anyone except my roommate because I don't want people to think I'm nerdy.

15 is a lot, so here are a few that I especially like:
Debbie @ http://exyoyodieter.blogspot.com
Rapunzel @ http://inpursuitofmyinnerpinup.blogspot.com
Kate @ http://kateonedayatatime.blogspot.com

20 lost...50 or so to go...

crappy quality...but you get the idea.

Where did 20 lbs of me go? (w:174.4)

Good Morning,

Well today I weighed in to find the scale at 174.4...which means I have officially passed the 20 lbs lost mark. I'm happy, excited, thrilled, upset, confused, wary, and angry. What? Yeah. Of course its good to know that I am twenty pounds lighter than I was when I started this blog, last spring this weight would have sounded like...a miracle number, hence the happy/excited/thrilled. I feel like I am doing something right! On the other hand I am nervous that maybe some of the recent numbers going down have been loss of water weight or...scale confusion...or magic. Who knows? I've been counting my calories, and have been good for the most part, but 20 lbs down seems too good to be true, and in case you haven't been keeping up with me...a lot of that could have come from a bout of illness/medication hence the upset/confused/wary. Where does the angry fit in? That's easy! Time! I could have reached this goal months ago, had I really committed to buckling down, and eating and working out the way I should have been! It's when I get thoughts like that that I have to remind myself to slow down, that time isn't "running out", that I have as long as I need to make this work for me. Ah sanity...it is nice when you kick in. The twenty pound lighter Bella doesn't seem that different to her family and friends it looks like...no one has really commented on the loss, but then again it has happened so gradually that I'm sure it's been hard to notice...but it's just the little things, seeing an old picture where I know I'm thinner now, pulling up and buttoning pants that sort of fit that I can finally breathe in from two years ago. I'm getting there...slowly it seems but steadily none the less.

On the Military front I have some surprising news, most branches (except for it seems, the Army) will not let you serve if you have a tattoo on your neck (which I do, a very small symbol on the nape of my neck). That'll be something to think about...I made an appointment to have it looked at, to see about removal...NOT to get it removed just yet (I'm not that serious about any of this yet), but if the Military is really something I'm considering (maybe Marines, maybe a Dr. with the Army or Air Force...) than it might be worth the pain/trouble/cost of getting it done. Just something to consider!

Kisses and well wishes,
Bella

Edit: Look for update pictures soon! (soonish, I have to get back to school, get the same outfit, and find room time sans room mate (yeesh, you have no idea) to take the pic!)

New Options (w: 175.4)

I have a weird confession to make, I've been thinking a lot recently about joining the Marines.
I know, wtf right? Maybe it's just a phase, but recently I've not been able to get the idea out of my head. It seems so noble, so powerful, so...important. If you had asked me a month ago, hell even a week ago if I EVER thought I would consider a military life, my answer would be HELL NO. But the more I simmer with the idea the more it seems like a viable option...I would feel proud of myself and I would be doing something in which I could take pride. This is screwing with my head a little bit, I don't know if I should seriously talk to anyone about it yet because I don't know if its something I'm looking at with rose colored glasses. Women make up a small percentage of the marines (around 6 or 7%). They have been known to be treated poorly...be harassed, mocked, and thought of as less then their male counter parts. I don't know if I could handle that...I'm sensitive. But is weakness a reason not to try?

My goal has then been revised...my new years resolutions are a little wacky...
the first is to get to a weight of 141, the highest acceptable amount for my height according to the chart that the Marines use. And then after that...look at training and get ready to maybe talk to a recruiter. This feels like a dream, I sort of can't even believe I'm suggesting this.

Happily though it adds a concreteness to my goals. Deadlines with real reasons. I want to lose the weight, so I will have the option...of (gosh) being a marine...

FELICE ANNO NUOVO! (w:176.8)

Happy New Years Everyone!

Well, now that that's out of the way! :) I hope everyone's New Year's is going well, I'm spending mine tonight with my mom cooking my brains out. Which leads me to two very important topics: my mom, and cooking.

It's hard to talk about one without talking about the other. I love to cook, I've never discussed it much here, but in my real life I am a kitchenophile and I must say (modestly) that I am damn good at making food. I don't mean green bean whatever with a can of soup tossed on top good. Because though that may taste good, there is a different between making good food, and cooking well. I would contend, that after cooking and screwing up, and learning for years I am beginning to come into my own. From such a young age, I would see my mom making her delicious Italian gravy rushing back and forth between hot pans, making the whole house smell rich and warm and I fell in love. I used to only be allowed to grate the cheese, now I can practically cook the whole ordeal myself. Cooking and my family go hand in hand, while my mom only likes to do her big gravy once a year, my dad is Puerto Rican and loves doing time consuming things like paella as much as he loves whipping up some chicken. Where my mom and I are about flavor and quality he is all about economy, and can get a terrible cut of meat, but season it and cook it until it tastes like heaven. Its not hard then to imagine why none of us are thin. Its less extreme in my dad's case but not by much. My mom weighs around 275, and it scares me. I want her to live for a long time, to see me grow up, and I want her to be healthy and happy. We had a heart to heart yesterday, and I basically told her that if she keeps living the way she is living, without changing anything she will die sooner. It's just fact. We cried, and she looked so sad but I told her, I promised her that we would commit to changing our lives together. I can't be selfish and do this alone, I need her to be healthy too for our family. She knows that, and she's started counting her calories too. It's nice to have a buddy to do this with. Lord knows i need her help as much as she needs mine!

So calorie count should be around 1,545 today (a little lot high...but okay it's a holiday...excuses! I know! But I'm just starting again! Can't get militant on a holiday!) . I've already factored in everything we should be having for dinner (rib roast, roasted potatoes, asparagus, etc.) but I'll let you know tomorrow if anything has changed I've eaten my own weight in butter. Stay tuned tomorrow for a description of dinner, and (cheesy I know, but I can't help myself) some resolutions for 2011! Happy 2011 Everyone and good luck in the New Year!

-Bella

Counting Ze Calories! (w:177.0)

So miraculously after last night I woke up to a weight of 177.0. Why is that miraculous? Well if you considered what I had to eat that day...suffice it to say my evening culminated in an unreasonable amount of crazy delicious slow roasted pork shoulder, with the fat (chicharron to all those in the know :) ) sandwiched on a piece pieces of potato bread. mmm.

So clearly I expected to wake up to 178 at least.

However I woke up to 177! Fluke of flukes! I decided today to start counting my calories again. It's a pain, and I've never been able to do it for long but I've heard others do it with a fair bit of success. I've forgotten how much I'm used to eating in a day...I had hoped to end the day somewhere around 1,200. Well, with the left over pork we made cuban sandwiches...and we went out to coffee (where I got a calorie dense chai tea latte) so I ended the day somewhere around 1509. Within a 1,200 to 1,550 range. I think that spread is a little high though, and I don't like the idea of being around 1,500 so I'll try to stay around 1,200. Hrmph.

Why is it that when I commit to start doing something like this again all of a sudden there is nothing I want more than a whole stuffed crust cheese pizza?! :)

-Bella